Catholic Church
The One True Religion, the Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church was founded in the year 33 A.D. by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It has a long glorious history under the Bishop of Rome that includes, the crusades, the inquisition, and the wearing of comically large hats. The Church can trace its origins back to the original Christian community founded by Jesus, making it the oldest, and therefore best, version of Christianity. The Church is also responsible for producing the greatest book known to man, the Bible, which is the inerrant, flawless, word of God that can only be properly interpreted through the guidance of the Holy See. History In the year zero, Jesus Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit, was born of the Virgin Mary and became man. His public ministry lasted approximately thirty years in which he passed down many memorable conservative teachings such as “blessed are they who pull themselves up by their own bootstraps” and "I am the way, the truthiness, and the light.” He also showed his approval of the death penalty by actually being put to death. Though Christ’s death and resurrection saved all humanity from eternal damnation, humanity was slow to catch on. It was not until 313 A.D., when the emperor Constantine became Catholic that the people of the Roman Empire finally started to feel bad that the Jews had killed Christ. Most joyfully converted to Catholicism, along with their new spiritual leader and divinely appointed ruler, and those that did not later became so upset that they threw themselves to the lions. Things went along perfectly for the next few hundred years until the 16th century when Martin Luther dared to question the infallible teachings of the Roman pontiff such as plenary indulgences, public executions for heretics and witches, and not being allowed to read the Bible. Needless to say, Luther was clinically insane and suffered from dyslexia, schizophrenia, and liberalism. He now burns in Hell. It is still unclear as to how Jesus could let this schism in the One True Faith happen. Most Catholics suspect that Satan had a hand in it. He also probably had something to do with Harry Potter and Ted Kennedy. Political Stance The Catholic Church, guided by the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, has come out in favor of the Republican Party. Holy Mother Church’s opposition to abortion, stem cell research, euthanasia, abortion, gay marriage, and abortion makes it clear a vote for George W. Bush is like a vote for Jesus. In fact, Catholics are required by canon law to vote only for Republican candidates or else face the threat of excommunication and spend all eternity burning in Hell along with Lutherans and bears. Interestingly, the Church has been silent on many of the issues important to the Democratic Party, such as the war, the death penalty, poverty, the environment, discrimination, genocide, global arms trade, human rights, immigration, jobs, and worker’s rights. It is clear that the Holy Spirit does not give a crap about these things. Catholicism Today Of the six billion people living in the world today, roughly 18% are Catholic. The other 82% percent are sodomites, femi-nazis, liberals, agnostics (which are just atheists that have no balls), Muslims, or people who live in Hollywood. Catholics today, like Stephen Colbert and Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly, are engaged in a constant battle to save America from de-deification by restoring the place of Christian holidays like Easter, Christmas, and Halloween, upholding our Catholic values such as life and homophobia, and promoting the spiritual agenda of our divinely appointed leader, the blessed George W. Bush. True Catholics Today, many people claim to be in full communion with the Catholic Church, but there have only been a handful of True Catholics throughout history. This includes people such as: Stephen Colbert George W. Bush Jesus Peter Paul Augustine Pope John Paul II Pope Benedict XVI Bill O’Reilly Mel Gibson Rick Santorum Antonin Scalia Sean Hannity Patricia Heaton Tom Daschle James Caviezel Arnold Schwarzeneger True Catholics need to be wary of cafeteria-style Catholics who only adhere to some of the Church’s many Republican teachings: John Kerry Nancy Pelosi Any Kennedy Dorothy Day